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Can't We All Just Get Along

I remember being bullied while growing up in Port Jefferson, Long Island, New York. The victim of locker room violence while I was in the 7th grade and the bullying was by two students then in 8th grade. For whatever reason it was, I looked at it as a "rite of passage" which was supposed to build "character". Today, however, bullying is no longer regarded as just something that happens in the park, playgrounds, locker rooms, or in our schools throughout the country. Bullying is a severe issue that needs to be combated and dealt with.

As I look back on those days growing up I remember being a good athlete, having a learning disability, acne, and liking the same girls everybody else did. What went wrong for me to be the one bullied in the halls and in the locker rooms I always asked? Easy it would be to look outside rather than look within, but I can remember some personal traits and characteristics that taking personal responsibility make me reflect inside rather than blame it on the outside.

I learned differently than the other students. Acne was a problem more so with me than with others it seemed. Some days the acne was so bad I stayed home from school for fear of how people might treat me or make fun or me. I had a twitch in my neck that was at times embarrassing and uncontrollable. One of the greatest laughs at my expense was initiated by one of my 7th grade teachers and followed through for weeks by the students and my friends. Perhaps, this led to my self-esteem being an issue, which probably showed more on the outside that I was more vulnerable than I thought. Although I played along and laughed with everyone never did anyone speculate that years later this would still have an effect on who I am today.

Today, I am gifted and blessed with an opportunity to equip our youth and educators with the tools to help them succeed in life and tackle the issues directly from personal responsibility. In this article, I'd like to share with you my thoughts about bullying and give you some tools that can help you in your very schools.

What is Bullying?
Bullying is a wide variety of behaviors involving a person or a group repeatedly trying to harm someone who is weaker or more vulnerable. It involves direct attacks as well as indirect attacks. Direct attacks are hitting, threatening or intimidating, maliciously teasing and taunting, name-calling, making sexual remarks, and stealing or damaging belongings. Or more subtle are the indirect attacks such as spreading rumors or encouraging others to reject or exclude someone.

A Teenager's Responsibility for Being Bullied
As a teenager that is the victim of being bullied you have a responsibility to bring this to the attention of the people that need to know. Whether it is administration, coaches, teachers, parents or a trusted adult, your account of what is happening, how it is happening, where it is happening, and when it is happening is essential in getting help to combat the bullying. Take responsibility and provide as much information as you can.

Confronting the aggressor being embarrassed and thinking about toughening up and getting in there and fighting back may be your immediate response. However, none of these responses are helpful nor would they be the right thing to do.

Record as much information as possible about the bullying such as the 5 W's (Who, What, When, Where and Why). Who is it, Who is involved? What is happening? When did it take place? Where is the bullying taking place? Why do you think the bullying is happening?

This information is critical in addressing the issue with administration, teachers, coaches or a trusted adult.

A couple of things you should know about being bullied are:

• Don't react, walk away, or retaliate
• Agree with the bully, by saying "You're right" and walking away.
• Be assertive.

Now take the information you have and speak with a trusted adult immediately.

Preventing Bullying
I was alarmed recently while reading an article about an incident that happened in Denver, CO. A 13 year-old Denver girl was threatened with a knife at her middle school and her hair was set on fire, yet she was the one who was told to stay home for the remainder of the school year while her alleged attacker wasn't suspended or even investigated in the assault.

Administrators have confirmed that the incident has taking place and the student did have a knife. Also confirmed, was that the principal stated that her staff did not call police, did not interview potential witnesses, and did not conduct a proper investigation. She also stated that her staff made serious mistakes in this case and that she would offer this young lady and her family a summer school program and transportation.

The young lady does have a small right arm and leg because of cerebral palsy, a disability that her teachers say has not kept her from working hard in school and being a good student. Her physical appearance has made her a target of taunting and of physical attacks, which she stated had never been addressed by administrators.

This is all too common for an estimated 6.5 million youth a year. Maybe not the severity of this particular assault but who's to say to each bullying incident that what happened to them is not that bad. To the individual student that is threatened, assaulted, hit, teased, intimidated or rejected, it is bad to them and they have the same right as each other teen to live a life free of bullying.

Here are some ways in which we can prevent bullying and incidents like what happened in Denver to continue happening and for us to combat our quest to put bullying to rest.

Preventing bullying needs to be taught to our children and starting in the early ages with preschoolers and kindergartners wouldn't be such a bad idea. As soon as children begin to interact with others, we can step in and begin to teach them not be bullies and not to be bullied. We can teach them world for their feelings, limit and change their behaviors and teach them better ways to express their feelings and wishes. Remember, children don't learn to solve these kinds of problems and get along by themselves. We need to teach them.

When preschoolers begin to call people names or use unkind words, intervene immediately and consistently. In kindergarten children learn the power of exclusion. We begin to hear things like, "She's no my friend and she can't come to my party." Respond with, "You don't have to be friends with her today, but it's not all right to maker her feel bad by telling her she can't come to your party."

In the early elementary grades, cliques and little groups develop which can be quite exclusionary and cruel. Children need to hear clearly from us, "It's not all right to treat other people this way. How do you think she feels being told she can't play with you? Kids don't have to play with everyone or even like everyone, but they can't be cruel about excluding others.

In the middle schools, cliques and little groups have already developed from the year before or years before. We can still teach these kids how to behave towards each other but like with high school students the middle school student is hard to break of their habits from previous years. So, I recommend two things.

• I encourage middle school and high school leaders to develop their own programs on bullying and teach them to the elementary school children. Use the high school students as role models and have them teach the elementary school children how to play, communicate, talk, and share differences.
• Have commitments and rules that all students are to adhere to and make them visible all throughout the school. Have consequences to a students actions should they not adhere to the rules of the school.

Rules for School Buildings
Our classrooms and buildings that teach and educate our students all have some set of rules. The question I ask is how visible are the rules and how many students are aware of the rules set forth by the teachers or administrators?

Growing up I had three rules and carry these three rules with me today. I highly encourage you to use these same rules within your classroom, halls, fields, locker rooms, and buildings.

   Rule #1 - Do what's right
   Rule #2 - Do the best you can
   Rule #3 - Treat others the way you would want them to treat you

Simple? Absolutely! However, they are rules set forth and need to be adhered to by all kids. Nothing falls outside of these three rules. You can ask a child or student the difference between right and wrong and to different degrees of right and wrong they are going to tell you what is right and what is wrong. All kids know about giving you their best efforts and all kids know about how they like to be treated.

Have consequences for students not adhering to these rules. Whether it be a can of food for the homeless, cleaning desks, detention, suspension, or staying after school. Consequences teach our youth that what they did is wrong and will not be tolerated.

It is our responsibility to educate, inspire, and influence our youth. They are not 100% of our population but they are 100% of our future and we are the ones that educate them to be productive citizens in America.

For more information on programs or leadership conferences, call 1-800-948-9289 or go to www.jeffyalden.com.

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Jeff Yalden's Motivate Newsletter
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