Jeff's Articles

Because I said so...

The Wheels on the Bus

Attitude of Gratitude

Teens and Esteem

IT COULD BE YOU

Parenting isn't the only influence on a child...but it's the one we can do the most about

The needle and the damage done

GOAL

When you say jump...

Stuck on you

A Few Words for the Peanut Gallery

Trying Times

Middle School Blues

Dropping Out...a Failure to Launch

The Basic Formula for Success

Connecting the Dots in the Education Picture

Because I said so...

- Posted 3/4/2009

In the ever changing culture we live in, teens have acquired new techniques of arguing that can cut to the quick, and can be filled with hostile-sarcasm which is designed to hurt and blame the adults who love them.

Parents with the best of intentions often engage in arguments with teenagers that are in no way constructive. Teens respond to verbal conflicts on purely an emotional level, they have little ability to be reasoned with and therefore form illogical solutions to the problem.

Teenagers argue most when they feel the rules are too stringent. There exists a purgatory where teens hover between adulthood and childhood. We don't given them credit for being grown ups because they are not grown ups. They are still very much children who are living in a grown up environment.

Listening to your teenager does not necessarily mean agreeing… a successful dialogue does end in your teen talking you into having their way. Remind them that your saying no or not changing your mind does not mean that you are not listening… you have not tuned them out. Allowing teens the freedom of their expressions of their thoughts and feelings is absolutely a good and necessary thing, provided that it is done so in a respectful manner.

The ability to compromise is a communication skill that needs to be taught to teens through repetition on a daily basis. Compromising to avoid an argument is not really teaching your child the value in it, conversely, compromising to allow them to grow has a great deal of value. Here is the most important rule; compromising on safety IS NOT an option... compromising on responsibility IS an option.

Be aware always that there is a distinct difference between normal teenage resentment of authority and acute anger that is indicative of depression. Consult with a professional the moment you are unsure of what type of anger you are witnessing. Parents need to seek out the appropriate help at the appropriate time if anger is controlling your teenager's life and becoming destructive to his environment.

The Wheels on the Bus

- Posted 3/4/2009

People who drive school buses are often too old to drive their own cars. I know, I am speaking from experience. In the past several years I have been on at least a dozen school buses, completely furnished with the best open road operators, Blue Bird buses had to offer.

As I struggled into the first seat I looked up and noticed the RULES of the bus which were only visible from the front seat. After being seated the bus jerked out of the parking lot. I immediately fell to the ground collecting all of my belongings that had just spilled to the floor. The driver was on her way, and I was but a prisoner for what had the potential to be a Giligan's Island experience.

I like to chat with the drivers, mostly to find out if they know where we are headed. On this day my driver reassured me that she knew a short cut, then she started telling me about her grand children, great grand children, and great great grand children. After hearing about how cute they were and how many she had, I tuned the driver out and began to wonder just exactly where we were headed at a hair raiding 52 MPH.

Most of the geriatric driving enthusiasts that I have had the pleasure of riding with, seem to reject the standard green vinyl seat covers that come standard on most buses. As I often sit in awe and confusion at how my bus driver can maintain enough pressure on the oversized gas peddle, I notice the wood beaded seat cover blanketing the commander's seat she sits on. The brown and tan balls spin and bounce with every pot hole she hits and the crochet pillow she once had tucked behind her lower back pokes its way through her side. One of my drivers was a Patriots fan and his seat was covered in a lovely blue polyester fur portrait of Tom Brady.

Not much goes unnoticed when you spend the 2 to 3 hours staring at the back of the drivers head. Like why the CB radio is on at all times when the only thing being transmitted is static or some driver filling his mouth with marbles and reciting the Arabic alphabet. I have noticed that most elderly men drivers prefer the side part, regardless of how much or how few hairs they have to comb over. Women drivers are much less tolerant of the loud ruckus a bus full of bored teens makes and their hands tremble with hate when not holding the steering wheel. Older drivers come to a complete stop at railroad tracks, open the doors, look both ways, and then always seem to struggle finding first gear.

For the most part my time spent as a passenger riding the yellow super stretch limo has been uneventful. I mean I have never been in a serious accident, and have only been pulled over one time in my entire bus riding career for the antics of two teenagers mooning a cop car from the emergency exit window. I feel somewhat secure bouncing around the back roads and slow lanes in the cigar shaped metal eyesore, even without a seatbelt to secure me. mater. Cars seem to avoid us like the plague and those enormous sloth-like RV's speed past us. As a passenger perched high above the rest of the commuter traffic, I get to see into other peoples cars like an eagle looking down on his prey.

I have some words of wisdom for those of you who can't remember the last time you were slumped into a row of green slightly stuffed bus benches; you can grow older and wiser and for some even more sophisticated, but somehow no matter how old, successful, or mature you are, it will always be okay to stick your gum on the underside of your seat cushion when no one is looking.

The Value of a Teen

- Posted 2/22/2009

"What is wrong with these kids today?" Who would let their child act like that? Who would let their child dress like that?

The answer may not be as easily defined as one might think. The knee jerk reaction to a teen's inappropriate behavior or obvious lack of values is to blame the parents. Here is the deal... good parents who raise good kids still face the issues of values... just as most other parents do. Unfortunately to those witnessing the actions of the "troubled teen" this is a rebellious stage that nearly every teenager experiences during their adolescent GLORY! Values are not something you can pick up at the local mall or drive through. They are learned over time and as frustrating as this may sound, a teenager has to make a mistake first, and then evaluate their actions, character and core values before making an adjustment.

Sometimes a teenager has to step back from his own situation to realize that the behavior is unacceptable. Peers make this necessary sequence in learning possible. It is when a teen observes their friends exhibit a behavior that they themselves have demonstrated, when suddenly they have the epiphany that the behavior is really un-cool. Often times it is the awareness of the reactions of the people around them that provokes the uneasy feeling and desire to modify their own behavior. Unfortunately teens sometimes have to experience a negative or traumatic incident to determine that their actions are inappropriate.

The "troubled teen" phenomenon is across the board, multi socioeconomic problem that people of all ages find frustrating and intolerable. Adults need to remember that the world they grew up in was a much different place, in particular with regard to the amount of pressure our teens face today. Teens are out there in a world fending for themselves and far to often are left to their own devices. We all want to believe the best about our children, but we as adults, have to temper that with our own logic and reason.

Adults need to set strong examples in order to establish strong values in their teens. Teaching values can be difficult in that they are subjective. There is no basic principal to be taught, as values are unique to each individual. Values define where each person draws the line in a personal decision or choice. You may not always agree with the choices your child makes, however, parents can have peace of mind knowing that their child can and will eventually rely on their established value system in order to make better decision in the future.

Lend a Hand

- Posted 1/22/2009

Never underestimate the value of community service. Volunteering in the community is a fantastic way for teenagers to become aware of the needs of others. It can also be an avenue whereby teens are able to serve the people in the area in which they live. There are many non-profit organizations that are run by people who give of their time freely, as well as their own resources to make the community as a whole a better place. Without the support of many volunteers these efforts would not be possible.

Teens can be full of energy. They have an endless supply of enthusiasm for the things they are interested in. Their willingness try new experiences, though sometimes dangerous, can be used to enhance any community service project. An effective teen community service project can provide many opportunities for “active participation” and a way for most teens to channel their energy and enthusiasm in the right direction.

The teenage years are spent trying to establish a unique identity, separate from their parents. Positive community service programs can provide teenagers adult roles to try on. By experiencing the adult world first hand, teens are able to interact with possible role models and explore possible career options. A hidden value in participating in community service is that teens get to know and coexist with adults in a work environment. This interaction helps teens to develop their individual identities as they interact with new people in new ways.

In the endless search for acceptance teens are able to obtain the approval of their peers and the respect of adults in the community by volunteering. Community service programs give teens the light in which to shine, and a chance to present themselves to their friends and neighbors in that light. The formal recognition that is part of most community service programs is the acknowledgement of a teenage volunteer’s willingness to make a contribution to the community.

In one word

- Posted 1/14/2009

I recently took a survey asking a group of teens to "describe your childhood in one word."

The responses I got were totally unexpected and surprising as no one answered the question the same and some of the responses evoked some deep emotions for me. The answers that I received from my question were as follows: chaotic, fearful, lonely, worrisome, normal, young, adventurous, forgettable, simple, scattered, wonderful, dysfunctional, depressing, fun, scary, innocent, mischievous, unsettled, sad, and beautiful.

The amazing thing for someone who is in the business of knowing kids is how incredibly different each child recalled their youth. Even more interesting was how most young adults considered their childhood to end while in middle school.

These kids are a microcosm of what exists within their culture. Each one of these teenagers started out an innocent child, each pure and unaffected by the world around them. How is that each child experienced such completely different childhoods? Why is it that no teenager recalled the same experience as any of his/her peers? I guarantee that if this question was posed to my generation or the generation before me, that there would have been an abundance of kids who would have reflected on their youth and come up with the same response, that being the "norm."

It saddens me to know that the culture that our kids are living in can call to mind such responses. Childhood is intended to be a positive, memorable experience whereby the days are not long enough and there is not enough time to eat, sleep or sweat the small stuff.

Obviously those days are gone. Childhood is work and it seems to have hardened the souls of the kids that recall simply surviving it. For the few kids that come out of their youth and look back on it favorably, you are the minority. In my opinion we have a moral obligation to make and effort to change this trend. We as adults need to step back long enough to ensure that a child experiences life without banging them over the head for what they didn't do, and allow them the freedom to explore what it is they are trying to do.

It may be possible to have a memorable childhood while being held to a high level of expectation, balancing the two, on the other hand, may prove to be impossible. The simple fact is a child has the rest of their life to learn, and achieve greatness, but they have limited years to be children.

If you make the most of your child’s younger years they will have an overwhelming supply of fond memories to get them through the hard times that lay ahead. Take and make time to create a memorable childhood for your kids…. I promise you will never look back at your effort to do so and regret having sacrificed for the life you created.

Who me?

- Posted 1/12/2009

Many parents struggle with a selfish teen. In fact, there are many books and daily articles written to help parents teach their child to be less selfish. Here is an idea…. why not teach the teenager how to behave instead of teaching the parent how to react to the teenager's behavior?

There is a time when the whole world revolves around you the child. I know this to be true, as I have witnessed first hand a world that truly did rotate around my child. He knew nothing of other peoples wants or needs. His universe was set up so those around him satisfied all of his needs and wants all of the time. Because of his inability to provide for himself he became the axis of the rotation of his world. Children generally are black holes for parental giving. Notice I said children. Teens, on the other hand, must realize that they have the ability to do more for themselves. Selfishly and because it is easier, they rely on their parents for a great deal more than they should.

The idea of a teen becoming more independent is a struggle that parents have not because of what they lack as parents but because of what they lack in trust in their teens. The teenage years are a time for transition where independence can be tested in a loving and somewhat protected environment. Personal choices are made under the blanket of security provided by parents.

Instead of having your parents ask you to help around the house, why don’t you offer? Instead of your parents yelling at you to get a job, why not get a job? Why not initiate your self-reliance as opposed to being pushed into it by your parents? Every good nudge given by a loving parent comes in the form of "if /then." If you don't get a job then you can’t take the car on the weekend. We have all been there.

The battle between teens and their parents regarding the transition into adulthood has been a struggle for a long time. In order to win the war you first have to win the battle. Teenagers need to step up to the plate and begin to exercise their ability to be self-reliant, not because they are told to do so, but because they can, and it is the natural progression of an unobstructed path to adulthood.

You can't fight with your parents about issues that don’t exist. Let’s face it no red-blooded teenage American wants to be told what to do. I respect that. Now respect yourself and your parents enough to take the initiative to be more responsible for yourself. See the world around you and those in it. Realize that you are a part of the world you live in and no longer the axis of its rotation.

Attitude of Gratitude

- Posted 1/9/2009

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be grateful. We all need to take the time stop the need machine to reflect and actually appreciate what we have, who we are and the many splendors we enjoy on a day to day basis. Focusing our attention on the things that we are grateful for is a life skill that few of us exercise but all of us possess.

For those of you who may not be aware the “attitude of gratitude” is all the rage…and it actually works. Before going on let me help you understand the definition. The attitude of gratitude is a way of life, it is a constant state of being, exists within us, and can be easily be observed by outsiders by the way we perceive things to be. Gratitude can be defined as "thankful." Therefore the attitude of gratitude can be defined as, "a constant spirit or state of thankfulness."

This life perspective is life altering and can change the way that you utilize the energy you have available on any given day. Like all things adopting new habits takes practice and steadfastness. Once you adopt the attitude of gratitude and you view everything as a gift something magical happens. The once ordinary and unappreciated things in your life begin to transform into something beautiful. If we treat the people in our lives as a gift, then our relationships start to change and take on a whole new beautiful form.

There are millions of things to be grateful for on any given day. I made a list of ten things I am grateful for and I read it twice a day to remind me. In essence I am practicing a new habit I hope to form.

I am grateful for loving, because by giving love, we do not need to seek love.

I'm grateful for being able to give what ever I have whenever I can, because giving brings joy and happiness to all those who are willing.

I am grateful for persistence, because it is what helps us achieve our goals.

I am grateful for keeping things simple because it can reduce my anxiety.

I am grateful for my dreams and aspirations because they give me hope and it allows me to be positive and to look towards the future.

I am grateful for sharing, because it comes without the expectation of return.

I am grateful for honesty because it is the best policy.

I am grateful for good health, because without good health, it's impossible to be happy.

I am grateful for education, because it creates opportunities for everyone.

I am grateful for my willingness to forgive, because I too need to be forgiven

Try it out. Write down on a piece of paper what it is you are thankful for; read it twice a day for three weeks. There are no guarantees but it is reasonable to think that focusing on the positive things in your life can only create more positive thoughts. Conversely, focusing on negative can only creates more negative thoughts. It worked for me, it can work for you too.

Teens and Esteem

- Posted 1/8/2009

Most teens realize their place in the world even if it is at the bottom of the pile. It is no coincidence that when analyzing the pyramid of the social structure of high school students that there is less room at the top of the pyramid then there is at the bottom. Without the mosh-pit of students (the majority) making up the base of this structure there is no support for the few individuals who sit at the top. The difference between the few students who have elevated themselves out of the basement of the pyramid is their recognition of their self-esteem and the power that comes from it.

Self-esteem is the feeling of self-importance and self-value, attributes that few teens know they have, but all teens possess. The confidence that comes from the feelings associated with one’s self esteem can be essential qualities that most individuals can apply to most aspects of life, particularly those related to success.

Self-esteem allows teens to feel more control over their situation. Teens who realize their value as individuals are able to speak up, and defend themselves if there is a problem. Standing up for yourself in order to defend your core values and beliefs, contributes to a sense of accomplishment with great satisfaction and overall happiness.

Self-esteem is vital to achieving personal goals, being independent, and allowing your life’s ambition to be as you want it to be. The teen that exercises their self-esteem realizes that they are ruled by themselves, not by others, therefore allowing wise decisions o be made. Self-esteem allows you to stand up to anyone and prevents others from interfering with your quest for success.

Just as you can train and condition your body, you can also train and condition your mind to exercise your self-esteem.

IT COULD BE YOU

- Posted 1/8/2009

There are many among us whom exist within the bubble of ignorance and subscribe to the, “it will never happen to me” theory. To have this super-hero status is not only ignorant but is irresponsible. Statistical studies and research exist to remind us of the probability of whatever it is that we elect to do, the possibility of those actions affecting us, and to encourage us to avoid putting ourselves in harms way in the first place.

For example:

-Each year, almost 750,000 women aged 15-19 become pregnant. Overall, 75 pregnancies occur every year per 1,000 women aged 15-19[i]

-Eighty-two percent of teen pregnancies are unplanned; they account for about one in five of all unintended pregnancies annually[ii]

-Alcohol is used by more young people in the United States than tobacco or illicit drugs. Excessive alcohol consumption is associated with approximately 75,000 deaths per year[iii]

-Among youth, the use of alcohol and other drugs has also been linked to unintentional injuries, physical fights, academic and occupational problems, and illegal behavior.[iv]

Being attentive to possible hazards or risks and planning for the future are the direct result of being prudent. The word ''prudence'' comes from the word providence, meaning to plan ahead or having foresight. When you hear someone being called a prude you often think of it as a derogatory remark. The fact is it is a compliment in that it refers to your strength and foresight. The strength of having prudence is that one is careful about one's choices, doesn't take unnecessary risks and avoids saying or doing things that might cause hardship to oneself or others later.

In all likelihood it can and will happen to you. There is no cape or super power necessary to use your strength and foresight when making difficult decisions. Do the next right thing and “it will be OK.”

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” - Martin Luther King Jr.

[i] Guttmacher Institute, U.S. Teenage Pregnancy Statistics: National and State Trends and Trends by Race and Ethnicity, , accessed Sept. 12, 2006. Finer LB et al.

[ii] Disparities in rates of unintended pregnancy in the United States, 1994 and 2001, Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2006, 38(2):90–96.

[iii] U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The Surgeon General's Call to Action to Prevent and Reduce Underage Drinking. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of the Surgeon General, 2007

[iv] Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. The relationship between mental health and substance abuse among Adolescents. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 1999.

Parenting isn't the only influence on a child...but it's the one we can do the most about

- Posted 1/8/2009

Assimilation and adaptation make possible a child’s need to seek new influences as often as the seasons change. People come and go into their world much like a revolving door spins at the entrance of a crowded mall.

Kids are made to bounce like a ball from friend to friend and peer group to peer group, taking little bits of each person, place or thing and claiming it as their own. These relationships are only a tangent to the center point of the parental relationship that exists from birth.

Kids are very selective as to what they like or dislike about the people that they choose to influence them. The ongoing unique relationship between a child and parent is ever changing. The players stay the same but the game and objectives are constantly being re-defined.

Parents bring different meaning and purpose to their children with each developmental stage. Parental interaction with their kids is truly the one relationship that can be controlled. Parents have a say about the relationship that they have with their teen whether or not their teen is a willing participant. Parents have a great deal more life experiences to fall back on when entering into the complicated business of a successful, meaningful relationship with their teenager. The burden of that relationship lies mainly with the parent.

Teenagers have a natural need to experience their autonomy. The moment a child spreads their wings and takes the reigns to their life and life choices is the moment a parent has to deal with the fear of having lost control of their child. In reality a parent who has been a constant in their child’s life will only be adapting to this new stage of development, which after all they have been cultivating since their child was old enough to apply logic and meaning. Parents should be raising their kids to reach this transitional stage without losing their place in their child’s life.

Being a constant influence in your kid’s lives can be exhausting. Being available to meet your child's needs in order to prevent them from going elsewhere can be a burden that some parents refuse to bare. The challenge of finding a way to be a part of your child’s life when they are pushing you away can be hurtful and demoralizing to a parent who has not prepared themselves for that moment. Be prepared by being there... make time and find a way to be a positive influence in your child's life.

THE FOUR WAY STOP

- Posted 1/8/2009

My father has never been wrong about anything in his entire life. He just turned 70 years old and I can honestly say he has never apologized for anything. My dad has never been able to admit fault or own his part in any problem that arose. My dad was unwilling or incapable of ever acknowledging that I may be right or entitled. Because of this unhealthy interaction my dad and I had a relationship filled with friction and anger. I spent a great deal of time and energy trying to defend what I believed to be true to someone that was incapable of ever acknowledging that indeed I was right and he was wrong.

This is a classic relationship whereby a parent discouraged his child either consciously or unconsciously. There or four definitive ways that parents discourage their children;

1.negative expectations
2.focusing on mistakes
3.perfectionism
4.overprotection

My father’s inability to apologize was a result of his desire to be seen as perfect. As a parent I have realized that my desire for perfection might create the same kind of discouragement in my child. In order to have a long-term healthy relationship with my child I need to recognize the four ways that parents can and do discourage their kids.

Negative expectations

Negative expectations assume a negative result and are future-based. They narrow options, inhibit imaginations, and can blind us to possibilities. Furthermore, all expectations create pressure in the lives of those we care about and hold them hostage to a future that may or may not happen.

Focusing on Mistakes

Praise provides vital emotional nourishment during the turbulent teen years. It helps teens develop good character by focusing and building on their positive traits rather than always concentrating on the negative. Knowing the value of praise often escapes parents and educators. Far too often we focus on children's mistakes. Mistakes capture our attention and we fixate on them rather than refocusing on the positive.

Perfectionism

The perfectionist orientation is composed of two parts, 1. impossible high standards 2. the behavior needed to achieve the standards and avoid mistakes. Perfectionism and its high standards interfere with a child’s performance. The perfectionist’s behavior becomes an obstacle instead of a means to achieving the goal.

Overprotection

Reducing risk has ... risk. Kids need to be taught to manage risk. When kids are willing to take a risk, skin a knee or accept a dare, they avoid becoming a part of our culture that instills fear as a motivation. To deny kids the opportunity to handle risk appropriately -- or even inappropriately -- and learn from their experiences, prohibits them from gaining the life skills necessary to survive the hurt life will deliver.

Knowledge is power!

The I's Have It

- Posted 1/8/2009

One of the hardest things to realize is that NO ONE can make you make you feel sad, angry or frustrated… unless you give them permission to. There are those of you are arguing that this is impossible because you have been effected by others to the point where your emotional state has changed because of their actions. Not true. You allowed that individual to effect you. You allowed their actions to evoke the feelings of anger or sadness. You have control of your emotions. You have control over how you react to those who wrong you.

There is a communication tool that exists called I-messages. This way of communicating turns statements about the other guy into statements about your feelings. An example of a common response to somebody else’s behavior, would be, “you are driving me crazy.” You can take this sentence and turn it into an I-message about the way that you feel by changing the prior statement into and I-statement, “calling me names is hurtful because it is disrespectful to me, and it needs to stop.”

I-messages have four parts

1. Name the behavior or situation
2. State how you feel
3. Say the reason you feel that way
4. Tell what you would like to happen

Once you put these four parts together you are able to evaluate what the problem truly was and who owned it. I-messages are effective only when the problem belongs to the other guy or the sender of the message.

If unacceptable behavior persists despite your attempt to own your emotion using I-messages, then the next step is to explore logical consequences to cease the behavior. Teaching expected behavior should be implemented in all or most developmental stages. The best way to share the power of this communication tool is to use it yourself.

To know that you are part of the problem by supplying those around you the ammunition to effect you is a huge step in taking control and allowing teaching moments to occur.

Ten Tips for Parents

- Posted 1/8/2009

Never let your hate for anyone or anything be greater than the love you have for your child.

This is huge. It is absolutely necessary to keep your perspective when raising your kids. I find that GRACE is the best tool to use when feeling the need to hate or disparage.

Allow your child the opportunity to fail.

No child is perfect and for them to believe so will only inhibit their willingness to take the risks necessary to be successful. If at first you don’t succeed try, try again

Teaching moments are only created through a child’s need to learn

Unfortunately life lessons are usually accompanied by a great deal of hurt, anger and resentment. The moments we as parents are given to teach require time and energy. It is our willingness to put our needs and wants aside for the greater good of our kids that define us as teachers.

Do not allow what happened to you, as a child be the measure of what will happen to your child.

This is for any parent that burdens their kids with their legacy or personal preferences. You can only expose your kids to your world; they will learn where their passion lies through their own experiences.

In order for a child to respect you, you must respect your child

Keep in mind that respecting a child means only that you respect them as a human being not as an equal.

Model the person you want your child to be

A child is able to grasp the human experience because they are visual learners first. Provide your child the living model of what you want them to be. Monkey see…Monkey do.

Expectations are a recipe for disappointment

A parent’s expectations for the life, life style or life choices of their child will in time only disappoint them. A parent’s unconditional love of their child will promote a healthy, well-rounded, confident adult.

Never miss the opportunity to tell your child that you love them and that you are proud of them

Kids need to know that they are loved and telling them so reminds them and enforces all the nonverbal cues we give them. Telling your child you are proud of them encourages them to repeat the behaviors that made you proud to begin with.

Parenting is a marathon not a sprint!

You are never really done being a parent so don’t look for the finish line.

Trust is earned not given

Far too often we as parents extend our trust to our kids similar to the line of credit that banks give to us. Trust is a virtue that is earned through a series of baby steps amounting to huge leaps of faith.

Promises, Promises

- Posted 1/8/2009

On the eve of the New Year almost everyone I know contemplates their commitment to a resolution that they are about to make. People enter into these verbal contracts by promising to do something that that they know they ought to do but in no way is it what they really want to do.

In order to make the most of a resolution, which by the way can be defined as,” a course of action determined or decided on,” there needs to exist a possibility of positively approaching the task at hand.

To be successful we must focus on what we are, instead of what we are not. The ability to focus on our positive attributes, as opposed to what we lack, will spin our promises into resolutions that we know we can keep.

For example a former high school swimmer wants his New Year’s resolution to be to lose weight and get in shape. He would be more successful promising himself to swim the 400 meter free style within ten seconds of his high school time, then he would to resolve to start jogging and to start dieting. The commitment to achieve his goal by getting back in the pool will result in desired weight loss by way of the positive energy required to train to achieve his goal. Do what you know and the rest will follow.

The old adage you can do anything you put your mind to, has the potential to highlight the fact that if we do not achieve what we mindfully set out to do, then we have failed. In this moment you are fighting a battle between emotion and logic. Emotions are much more powerful than logic. To successfully win the war you must spend time identifying the efforts that have failed you in the past. Eventually you will logically build a case worthy of overpowering negative emotions associated with the change. Positive emotions feel better, so you' will be more likely to do whatever it is that makes you feel that way. This isn't about the old positive reinforcement -- does it feel good… It's about spending more time feeling good rather than feeling bad."

RESOLUTIONS REQUIRE YOU TO...
Verbalize
Visualize
Realize
Change is possible.

The choice is yours

- Posted 1/8/2009

Making choices is a skill set most kids acquire during their primary years.

Parents ask their toddlers what they want to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They ask their school age child if they want to take karate or swim lessons. Through time they cultivate their child’s ability to make the right choices by celebrating and encouraging positive behaviors like a toddler’s willingness to share, or school age child’s choice to eat fruit instead candy.

Children are further exposed to the decision making process during their academic day and their extra curricular activities. Peers foster choices that individuals make when they begin group associations in all areas of their life.

Something happens along the way when a child decides to make the wrong choice. It is in this moment that a child explores the consequences associated with their ability to make a choice… right or wrong.

During this moment of self-realization regarding a choice made, a risk/reward system goes into place. A child must decide at the time of making that choice whether the risk is worth the short-term reward.

At some point in their development most kids will risk not being found out in order to get what they want. This early behavior is observed when a small child decides to empty the toothpaste in the cat dish despite being told not to as well as what the consequences will be.

For example:

A. STOP playing in the cat dish

B. DO NOT take the toothpaste out of the bathroom, it is not a toy!

C. If you do either A or B you will not go to the park!

Fortunately most of the choices that are made during these exploratory years have negative results that are easily observed, thus creating many teachable moments. It is in this instance that inappropriate, dangerous, and disrespectful behaviors of small curious children can be corrected. In so doing wrong choices that create negative OR positive results can be redirected in a way that will enhance the child’s ability to make better choices in the future.

There is however a catch…a child cannot decipher what is the right choice on his/her own. They need someone to teach them or guide them through their curious moments. Children need teachers and parents to define for them what a good choice is. They also need these people to explain to them with certainty why some choices are bad no matter what reward they reaped by having made a bad choice.

To have a hundred dollars in your pocket is the reward for having risked stealing it from your neighbor. Yes you have a hundred dollars but the choice to take something that does not belong to you is wrong... even if you didn't get caught. In a perfect world babies would grow up understanding the power of karma and the believability of that power. If you take from someone it is only a matter of time that someone will take from you.... action and reaction.

The effort required to evoke positive results from any experience when dealing with children and behavioral issues requires a great deal of time and patience. Let’s face it there are many opportunities to influence a child that are lost for one or both of these reasons.

CRASH and BURN

- Posted 1/8/2009

So many times the lost opportunity to learn or be taught life lessons has greater implications than we can ever imagine.

As a baby our boundaries are clear and easily defined. The crib that contains us and the people that hold us are the world we know.

Once we become mobile it is the gated area that we define as our world. The gates, knob locks, toilet locks and outlet covers protect us from our curiosity and our desire to push the limits.

Shortly after a child masters their mobility their need to explore beyond their boundaries is imminent. Even as toddlers we want what we cannot have.

Through time the human desire to “experience” life and all it has to offer us undoubtedly opens doors that should remain closed.

When a teenager decides to make the choice to “experience” the effects of smoking or drinking the results can be varied. Some kids realize the initial exposure is not worth the group association and walk away wiser for the "experience."

Others choose to continue to be involved despite the initial negative effect and continue to be a part of the group if only for the “experience.” Eventually the need to be an individual will be greater than the want to be a part of a group.

Still others will risk the consequence of a choice to “experience” what can only harm them over and over again until a greater effect is sought. The need to impose your own will, full knowing the potential for harm, or the grave consequences for having done so, expose the child who failed to learn or was never taught the implications of this self destructive behavior.

In all honesty the path of self-destruction by way of self-imposing your will may be the most difficult life course for any child to choose. The problem lies in that it is impossible to get off the path of self-destruction without a crashing and burning. Unfortunately the carnage after the wreck includes the people who loved you the most… being hurt the most.

The needle and the damage done

- Posted 10/2/2008

Our flesh covers our bones and embodies our souls.

I saw a disturbing tattoo on a barely seventeen-year-old girl. It was of a twisted tree with the word "imagine" under the cascading leaves. I asked myself, imagine what? The pain? The cost? The meaning? The significance? Finally I imagined what her grandchildren would think of such a garish tattoo. I seriously wondered how many people would be given the chance to be inspired by the body ink given its private location…left hip to 3rd intercostals rib.

I am all for freedom of expression but what message is being expressed with an eighteen inch tree on the side of a seventeen year old girl.

How many of us need to see the word “imagine” under an airbrushed tree to remind us to imagine? When she looks in the mirror the tattoo will read back to her "enigami." Near as I can tell there is no hidden meaning there.

My point is this. Be mindful when choosing to decorate the already beautiful wrapping you came in. I have seen artistic memorials on shoulders and reminders of hard times and triumphs on someone’s back. I have even admired the wedding ring inked on a friend.

There is a place for tattoos and often times the expressions of images or words on the human body have great meaning and significance to those that are adorned by them. The need for ink or the status is brings to those with it will no doubt change in the next century. I sense a trend, that of a need to be trendy. In particular with regard to body ink and the infiltration of this trend to the not yet ready for prime time youth embracing it.

I would never tell anybody what to do or not to do with their own bodies, I will only recommend, based on my experiences, to make wise and informed decisions. How many kids in tattoo parlors have asked their elders what they think of their "tats" 25 years or even 50 years after the initial great idea.

To be inspired and to want a permanent reminder is awesome. I am only pointing out that the need to be impetuous or trendy not factor into the lifetime decision to carry the image or words with you.

GOAL
G= Getting
O= Out
A= and
L= Learning

- Posted 9/20/2008

When I ask a room full of students what there goals are for the semester they struggle to name five. Conversely I have problems limiting myself to five for any given day.

Is getting through each day without ambition a teen phenomenon that has gone undiscovered?

Doubtful.

It is safe to assume that most teens lack the awareness to realize that each day is an opportunity to acquire new knowledge, and a chance to be challenged both emotionally and physically and occasionally spiritually. Stepping outside the box of what comes easy or what is predictable is NOT something teens are willing to do.

The next question is why? Why is it that a mind and body primed and designed for learning and processing new information or skills is rotting day after day within the confines of predictability?

One cannot achieve any goal unless there is an underlying desire to first learn a new skill or to be challenged in some way to do so. Once the seed of knowledge has been planted it is possible to gather the tools needed to experience success. A very important step in accomplishing one’s goals is making time for practice. Repetition reinforces the skill sets being taught. In my opinion there needs to be an outside threat or reason to improve in order to raise the bar as well as to be pushed into mastering new concepts or skills. Finally their needs to be an overwhelming desire to experience success or be successful.

It may sound like I am setting you up for failure by even mentioning success.

What if you fail?

Here is the thing that is so difficult to grasp but is so important to know... if you never try you have already failed. Sounds cliché but if you think about it, wanting to do something and not following through on your desire to do so is a failure to try.

Take advantage of your teenage years by setting goals for yourself. Take the time to learn new things or to be challenged in new ways. When opportunity knocks…answer the door and step into new and foreign territory. Improve or even master whatever it is your learning by practicing. Lastly, start a new list of goals having completed one or more of the goals on your previous list.

When you say jump...

- Posted 9/5/2008

Why do teens succumb to peer pressure?

In reading a few articles on this subject it seems that there is a general consensus within the clinical community that teens are susceptible to peer pressure for a number of reasons. Among the identifying qualities of a teen headed down the path of least resistance are; low self esteem, lack of self confidence, non-successful friendships, isolation, loneliness, and depression.

I agree with the research and its results and caution any kid to be wary in the face of peer pressure if you exude any or all of these characteristics.

I, on the other hand, believe that understanding peer pressure involves a non-clinical perspective.

In my opinion peer pressure in high school today is a lot like a game of truth or dare. The question of how far would you go to be as cool or cooler than your peers is asked and most teens respond with, "as far as necessary." In a society that showcases the most extreme behaviors as extraordinary, it seems only logical that when pushed by the group a teenager would respond by accepting the challenge.

The kid that stands down the challenges of the group is often times considered an outcast, or loser. In the opinion of an adolescent there is nothing that commendable about saying "no" to a group of your peers...especially in high school. Peer pressure has less and less to do with the issues identified by clinical professionals and more and more to do with the "bring it on mentality" that most kids have accepted as commonplace.

Refusing to do what the group asks you to do or expects you to do, makes you an individual. Being original and independent in your behavior makes you unique. Just at this society seeks the extremist we accept and welcome one's originality. Refusing to join in at the request, or often times begging, by your friends is an opportunity to make a statement about your own personal boundaries, beliefs and desires.

Be an original. Think outside the box. Go the opposite direction of the group in order to rise to the challenge. If you lead...others will follow!

Stuck on you

- Posted 8/17/2008

Many college students enter their freshman year with their high school sweetheart waiting patiently back home…in high school.

Promises to endure the distance and resist temptations are made by the loving couple. There exists a true belief that one-day vows will be exchanged and husband and wife will ride off into the sunset. The reality of this happening, though possible, is highly unlikely, as well as unhealthy.

High School is a setting where everyone exists in a "closed" community. College on the other hand is an "open" community where other people from other communities with similar interests coexist.

During a young persons college experience the foundation for the friendships made is very different than the bonds made while surviving high school. When reflecting on the rules and regulations that govern a teen's life during high school most of the authority is provided by the parents. Mom and dad enforce curfews, require courtesy notes or phone calls, and expect to be involved in day-to-day decisions. In college, teens are 100% accountable and personally responsible for themselves...and so is everyone else on campus!

College and the college experience are supposed to be the best years of your life. The microcosm of campus life will provide students with the survival skills, ambition and opportunity used later in "real" life. Attending college while attempting to maintain a relationship in high school is like swimming in the ocean with a lead weight shackled to your ankle; it makes swimming, treading water, or even floating impossible.

The basic animal need to run free exists within all of us. At some point in our lives (usually post high school) we welcome our independence with open arms. We embrace the challenges surrounding our personal growth. Just as a college freshman needs to exercise his/her independence the love of his/her life sitting in 6th period study hall needs to do start to do the same thing.

The mixed feelings involved in maintaining a high school relationship while in college exists for both parties. The co-ed possesses the feeling of being held back, while the high school student experiences the inability to move forward with his/her peers.

When making the decision to stay in the relationship I believe that allowing each other the freedom to explore other relationships will provide both individuals with the opportunity to grow into healthier adults, capable of healthy adult relationships. College is a time for young people to sample all that life has to offer...try it you might like it.

A Few Words for the Peanut Gallery

- Posted 8/4/2008

I am always surprised at the attitude that some parents have when it comes to the people who coach their children.

Simply put, coaches are just people, the same as you and me. They are people who care about kids, as well as, people who are trying to tap into an atheletes potential and provide them the skill sets necessary to be successful.

When evaluating a coach's duty it is necessary to realize that they must take a group of individuals, with varying abilities, skills, and desires, and unite them as a team. Once the individuals recognize the strength of the team the coach must convince the team members that it is necessary to function together in harmony in order to achieve the common goal.

Among the roster a coach will have natural athletes, trained athletes, potential athletes and a few kids that are really not interested in the sport but find themselves "trying out" in order to please someone else. Coaches spend hours learning and appreciating players as individuals in order to give them a place and purpose on the team.

Coaches must humble but not kill the spirit of a naturally gifted player when asking her to sacrifice her ego for the betterment of the team. Coaches must bring meaning to a player who practices every day but never plays. In spite of these obstacles a coach must attend daily practices in order to unite and inform their team to give them best chance to be successful on game day and in life.

Why do parents focus on the coach being the problem?

In my opinion parents and players need to look in the mirror not at the person with the whistle. They need to take the time and energy used for complaining and put it towards practicing outside of school. Parents of young athletes should not be looking to the coach but rather to themselves asking, what can I do to help my child? If a parent is unwilling to shag balls, rebound or provide extra practice time for their child than they can't blame the one person willing to spend time with their kids every day after school. The fact of the matter is some players are better and have done the work necessary to earn them big minutes. Parents and players must humble themselves, just as a coach does, and realize that other players are better players…but not necessarily better people.

Parents have a responsibility to support the coach. Parents should recognize the different abilities of each player on the team. Parents who support the program and the coach in spite of their own child’s role can help teach valuable life lessons.

Student athletes are learning not just from their coaches but from the people they see the most-the people whose judgment they dread but look for. The people they live with and need approval from. What they are learning in attitudes today will make them the adults they are tomorrow.

Trying Times

- Posted 7/12/2008

Saying I can't is the same thing is saying I won't. Too many kids are using this excuse as a reason for refusing to fail.

If a child uses the disclaimer "I can't" when asked to juggle three balls, then we as educators are pushed away and forced to make a difficult choice, do we impose our will or do we back off?

In a smaller intimate setting adults and educators can encourage the child who says, "I can't." We bring these kids along slowly by using baby steps and positive reinforcement. In this type of setting the educator can motivate the unwilling child to try to first toss one ball in the air and catch it. Once success is experienced with one ball we, the adult cheerleaders, say things like, "I knew you could do it," or "see that wasn't so hard." The child who started by saying I can't responds to this nudging by agreeing to try a second ball and eventually a third.

The reality is there are thirty other kids in the class of which half are saying I can't. The teacher can choose to either exhaust himself motivating this group of naysayers or he can focus his attention on the half of the class that is at least willing to try. POOF! Just like that the kid who said, "I can't" doesn’t have to try to learn how to juggle.

Are these kids really saying "I can't" because they are physically or mentally unable?

In my opinion these kids are saying, "I won't do what you are asking me to do, and there is nothing you can do to make me even attempt to juggle."

Humiliation may be one factor for the unwillingness to try new things but more than likely these kids fear not being perfect. The idea of exposing one's inadequacies, as well as imperfections when asked to attempt something new is the BIG reason kids say, "I can't."

Let me remind all of you of one thing...NOBODY but NOBODY is perfect. The only way you will ever know what you are capable of is to try.

Middle School Blues

- Posted 7/1/2008

In lower school we took a seed, placed it in a paper cup, filled it with dirt and watched it grow. In middle school we took a plant dissected it, identified its parts and then threw it in the garbage wrapped in brown paper towel. In high school we studied the chemical process of metabolism and the conversion of food to energy and never even touched a plant.

I have heard it said that middle school is the new high school.

Is it possible that in our attempt to speed things up that middle school has indeed become more and more like high school? Have we taken the fragility of puberty and pushed the fast forward button on our kids? If this is true does it mean that our lower schools are now complicated with the overwhelming issues that happen in middle school?

Slow down... now hold on... what's the hurry?

Nothing makes me more satisfied than when I walk the halls of a middle school and am able to witness age appropriate behavior. A familiar pain in my heart reoccurs when I observe a note being passed, or a group of boys standing next to a group of girls, neither group fully acknowledging the other. I smile when I hear a squeaky voice in the audience when a pre-teen boy musters the courage to ask me a question that his buddies dared him to ask.

It bothers me and gives me a sick feeling in my stomach when I witness adult behavior in the same forum. I feel uncomfortable when I see a middle school girl draped over her "boyfriend" during recess. I find it difficult to understand the desire to dress and act much older than the years these kids have lived. I am mystified at the reasoning of a middle school child having access to text messaging, cell phones, internet, and anything else that comes down the information highway.

The speed at which our youth travel through life is so fast that kids are missing out on the innocence of their youth, a gift so precious that it is only given once in a lifetime. The need to know and have access to adulthood has overshadowed the need to be young and curious.

We have only our youth to actually be young, and the rest of our lives to feel young at heart. I want to encourage kids to embrace and enjoy the journey they will take into adulthood. If life was intended to go at warp speed out hearts would beat faster, we would sleep less and live fewer years. Living in the here and now and taking time to experience and explore along the way is one of the most critical things a child can do in preparing to be an adult.

Dropping Out...a Failure to Launch

- Posted 6/16/2008

The option of leaving school prior to graduation has become a trend of choice for more and more teens.

As a motivator who works with teens in a school setting I am extremely troubled by the increase in high school drop-outs.

When did the option of leaving school not only become socially acceptable but more importantly an option? How is it that a teenager can make this decision?

The laws of our society state that until you are 18 years of age you are not considered an adult and therefore your choices as a minor are limited to what is considered safe and reasonable. As a teen under 18 you can not fight for your country, you can not get married without parental consent, and you cannot vote...BUT...you can decide you would rather get a job and take the GED (Good Enough Degree) rather than finish your education.

Washing out of the educational system prior to graduation is a failure to launch, a failure to reach your potential and even worse limits your options as you enter adulthood.

Don't settle for what is easiest in life, but more importantly finish what you started seventeen years ago...STAY IN SCHOOL...the hot lunches may suck, and the kids can be cruel but it's what I want you to do and so should you.

The Basic Formula for Success

- Posted 6/9/2008

As a society we have over-encouraged otherwise ordinary teens to take what is in their reach and to claim whatever they are reaching for as their own, whether they have earned it or not.

I watched the American Idol final show and wondered how so many first round contestants could have possibly believed that they shared the same talent as the refined performers making the final show. How is that we can tell a child that they can be a doctor when they can't even pass high school biology?

The disservice that we as a society have shown our youth by failing to instill a work ethic and a firm belief that all things in life require hard work, commitment and dedication is what we see in large scale in the masses of unrehearsed, under qualified, uneducated vocalists that wait for the Idol judges to cut them off and send them packing. Real tears are shed and real feelings are hurt when that bubble that some of these teens have lived in most of their lives is burst.

We are all given a set of gifts and basic survival skills. We all have dreams and aspirations of achieving greatness and for others just finishing the race. In order to be successful and earn our place at the top of the heap we must put in the work.

The easiest way to express both my concern and my feelings is to put them in terms of a mathematical equation...

3D's + hard work = SUCCESS

{where 3D's = desire, dedication, determination}

(When any or all of these parts are missing the most basic and achievable goal will be unattainable)

Because we say we are great, does not mean that we are so.

At some point in each child's life they realize their potential. At the moment that potential is realized an individual has the opportunity to either tap into that potential or to believe that knowing how great they could be is simply good enough. The latter entitles us to own our potential greatness without having done the "3D's + hard work" necessary to be successful.

The unfortunate thing about not only believing our own immortality as well as being told of its power, is that eventually it leads to the crushing moment when an outsider informs us of how extremely far from great we really are…OUCH!

Don't ever let your personal belief in your greatness stand in the way of the work that YOU MUST do to truly be AWESOME. The cliche "if you believe…you can achieve it," only reminds us that our dream is possible. MAKE YOUR DREAMS YOUR REALITY…it IS possible.

Connecting the Dots in the Education Picture

- Posted 5/20/2008

It is our knee jerk reaction as parents to blame the teacher(s) for somehow failing to present the material in manner necessary for our kids to master concepts. Seldom does a parent or student look to the administration for answers as to why a child failed a midterm or ask the administration why a major test would be given the same day there is a playoff game. We, as loving parents, and concerned students would rather blame the mean old battle axe teacher who hates sports and for that matter teaching all together.

I walked into a school the other day and noticed a sign that read, "If you have a conflict with next years class schedule please contact "the school." I ducked my head into the administration's offices and asked the receptionist if "the school" was in his/her office. Sarcastically I continued and asked her what the "school" had for lunch and what did "the school" look like if I needed to contact him/her after my presentation.

The problem with having a group, "the school," in charge is that it lacks one's ability to confront the individual that is solely responsible.

How can we as parents be angry with a teacher who blames the administration for the problem? If an issue does not fall onto the desks of the administration, rather under the umbrella of "the school," then what or whose doors do we knock on?

Understanding the hierarchy involved in educating our youth is critical to all parents and students attending public schools.

As I understand it the basic hierarchy that is responsible for any and all educational related issues goes as follows:

The School Board

Community member's lobby for a seat on this board, the unanimous vote wins and the member holds their seat until such time as the term runs out. Reelection is necessary to regain one's seat back on the board. Often times "board members" serve several terms...life terms for some members. Responsible for monthly meetings to discuss issues raised by superintendent or the principal.

Superintendent of Schools

An individual hired by the school board to act as a middleman between "the school" and the school board.

Principal

Individual(s) recommended for the position by the superintendent, voted on and approved by the school board. The principal’s primary job is to meet the needs of the teacher, the parent, the student and the superintendent ensuring the school board's vision for the school to all parties.

Teacher

Individuals recommended for hire by the principal to the superintendent, who in turn presents the candidate for school board approval. Responsible primarily for classroom instruction, but expected and asked to do much more.

Now that I have shared with you the food chain it is easy to see the obvious gaps in the otherwise neatly packaged public school hierarchy.

Who is to blame for the major exam given on the day of the playoff game? The way I see it if the players didn't work so hard to be in the playoffs by attending practices and putting time in during the off-season, then there would be no playoff game.

All joking aside... just as in running a successful business or organized home, a great deal of communication is necessary, as is a willingness to share responsibilities, rather than shift blame. In all likelihood there was a failure to communicate agendas within the parties involved in scheduling the test the same day as the playoff game. Given the situation no blame needs to be assigned rather solutions could and should be offered.

Understanding the model that governs the classroom can only help make our youth's educational experience better. Be informed; attend a school board meeting at least once in your or your child's academic career. Knowing is power...